For Laughs: friends with benfits

The Wendy Williams show for me is that show you kind of hate but are still intrigued to watch sometimes! I caught this clip on Facebook as someone just had to share it with their friends and family! The post caption was what should you do if you had a threesome with your boyfriend of 4 years and YOUR friend of 10 years and now you want to have sex with your friend again...without your man!!! (I paraphrased and added some of my own info! Watch from 2min 40sec).

I am bussing up! But mainly because I cannot imagine MY MAN wanting to have a threesome with me and my MALE friend. Lord knows that would set off alarm bells for me...we would never be the same again. She did say her boyfriend didn't get involved, he just watched! But why?! If you're gonna watch next man sprawl out your woman, could he really be upset if she wants to deal with the man again without him?! You not really supposed to draw people in your relationship when it comes to your 'family business' and that's just talking. What on earth do you expect to happen if you let them pump your girl?! And in front of you! And better than you!! I just can't!! I hope this is a joke because this sounds too crazy to be true.

To each his own. 

Maybe I'm a prude. Drop a comment and share your thoughts! Am I the only one who finds this crazy?!

Chantal x

I can't help myself

I am one of those people that see something and just can't help but talk up di ting! (All you English scholars llow me for a minute please!) I cannot stand it when someone wants to use you as a sounding board and vent or offload and then when you try and speak some wisdom into their situation they get vex. I'm sorry...so you don't want to go anywhere in life? You don't actually want your situation to change? You just want to complain about it but not take control over it and transform it? THEN WHY ARE YOU WASTING MY TIME TALKING TO ME ABOUT IT?!

It irks me. I don't need you to do, what you think I want you to do. Not at all. We are all living our lives in a way that should make us happy. But you cannot be sulking or complaining on any level around me and expect me not to try and advise you out of that attitude. That's a vibe I cannot dwell

in. It literally drains my soul and I got life going on around me so I really don't need anyone else's baggage. When I am faced with a challenge or a problem I get solution focused. I may moan about it for all of 5 minutes but I know that in order for me to change it, I may have to change something I am doing or not doing so the problem can disappear! When someone mentions their goal to me or an issue they're dealing with, I take that same attitude I place on myself and I try and help them with theirs. And trust me, its all good when I'm being Mrs. Motivator and re-assuring them that they can do it and all those good things! But the moment I have to critique something, its a whole bag of problems!

"It's not what you say, its how you say it?" Yo! That one is my absolute pet peeve. So I'm probably a little annoyed with what I've just had to say to you for the 100th time and you want to be nit-picking at my tone of voice. Do you even know how much control its taken for me to not cus and gwan as much as I really want to?! OK...So its not that what I said wasn't accurate and spot on or a bitter pill for you to swallow and digest; we're just going to overlook all of that so you can focus on being vex with the inflection in my voice? Mate....I'm done! But I'm not really, because I promise you if a situation arises where I have to speak on the issue again I will most likely do it again and get in trouble for it...again! I just can't help myself! There was a time when I wouldn't say anything and repressed it, expecting people would come to the necessary revelations without me saying anything and I used the excuses like I'm the youngest, people won't listen to me or who am I to say anything; I'm not some kind of expert or perfect person. And when I tried to use this excuse to my partner he got mad at me and said don't ever not speak truth because of your age or some other dead excuse. Speak the word and if they hear it good, if they don't oh well.

In a similar way, have you ever been offended by someone maybe by the way they have handled a situation but you don't say too much because, just because you wouldn't handle it like that doesn't mean they have to go about it in the same way as you. So you avoid talking about the situation and try to be 'mature' or whatever (!) so you don't cause a war but then, the other person keeps doing things that just add fuel to an already burning flame, so now you're a walking time bomb. This is why I like to get things off my chest because I don't want to blow up on anybody. If someone deals with me in an off way, as far as I am concerned they cannot be offended when I respond in kind or I do the mature thing and ghost on them! When a conversation can't be held for some clarity and understanding, it just makes sense to go separate ways and focus on yourself, your grind and your family. But what about when its your family... This one has been the hardest for me to deal with especially when you live in the same proximity as them. Sometimes I handle it well that this particular family member has chosen not to talk to me (I actually don't have a clear reason why because they have never verbalised it to me or anyone - so I just make assumptions) and sometimes I am frustrated, annoyed and petty! To me, life is simple. A conversation will clear up any misunderstandings. If you're good, I'm good and we all get back to living our lives. Carrying around emotional weight is unnecessary and pointless. You hold yourself back and you hinder your own growth. This is why, I learnt to get over the fact that sometimes I won't get a sense of closure and I need to be able to move on without it, for my own sanity (Now I Feed My Soul).

I really don't think I'm always right and that's a judgement that gets placed on me or people like me a lot. If I'm incorrect in what I have actually said about your situation, then I will hold my hands up and apologise. I lose nothing by giving someone an apology and reassurance that my intention isn't to hurt them. In fact I will take my ideas to a few different people who live completely different lives and ask them if I'm being crazy, erratic or insensitive and based on the agreement of ideas I will solidify my position on an issue! Critic is a difficult thing to deal with. Of course no one wants to be made to feel like they're failing or doing wrong but it's important to understand that no one can make you feel anything. Your decision to feel in that particular way about what was said to you, is on you. It's something for you to reflect on and understand. It's for you to make sense of but not to blame the messenger for presenting something to you that you either have not been able to objectively see or to amend yourself. I've been critiqued many times and I listen to what's being said. If I feel like I need to explain something about myself then I will but I will try and hear what is being said and not what my feelings are saying, about what is being said. Because that will hinder me from growing or learning. I know that when those around me speak to me about a decision I am making or about to make, it comes from a place of love; a desire for me to live my best life and one that will not hurt me in the near or distant future. That's the kindness they extend to me, that we extend to one another when we speak about situations and circumstances.

It's not an easy thing but it is not an impossible thing to handle. Criticism is what helps us to learn about areas we can further develop. When a loved one raises a point its likely they are just seeking the best for you and making sure everything has been considered before permanent decisions. That's a gift if we learn to change our perspective on critique. No one is obligated to take anyone's advice but that's all it is advice. Take it or leave it. But there is no need to get vex about someone offering it to you. To those who go in on me when I need it, who advise me on different matters, thank you. I am stronger, wiser and better for it.

Drop a comment about your thoughts on this! Maybe I'm wrong...let me know!

Chantal x

That trumpet sound

No I'm not referring to the call of God - not in this post anyway! I'm talking about the horn we toot for ourselves sometimes! They say 'don't blow your own trumpet', when talking about those who in a braggadocios and proud way flaunt their achievements or accomplishments in your face. For me, arrogance is so unattractive in a person. It surpasses confidence and it just feels vile! My Guru and those closest to me are always celebrating areas of my life that I myself just hold onto and keep on the downlow! They sense my tendency to shy away from the spotlight and keep my gifts, talents or achievements, if you'd call them that, hidden from the world to see. Hidden from prying, judging or condemning eyes.

I'm talking about the horn we toot for ourselves

I am aware of that part of me which gets a little uncomfortable when someone praises something

about me or something I've done. I don't really know why but it's a shyness that I have always had. So even this blog for example makes me feel a little discomfort but that's mainly because of the vulnerability of placing my thoughts on a page for others to see. Its freeing in many ways but that feeling I personally get, is just part of my process. Some people who are acquainted with me might find it shocking that I am shy sometimes because I at least know how to appear confident when necessary I guess. But trust me, it takes a lot of prep behind the scenes to get me to that point! I have seen where I have let shyness rob me of potential opportunities and how dangerous it can really be. I try now to acknowledge and celebrate my mini victories and achievements. I try to work through uncomfortable moments where people are praising my work and accept it and just thank them and then run away!!! I place myself in uncomfortable settings that are good for me and good for my growth. And I embrace the sound of the trumpet blown, from others rather than silence it. I know and I make sure to express that every achievement of mine, every blessing given to me is from God who in His infinite mercy grants me wisdom. Our lives are supposed to be a reflection of glory and praise to God. So I can't hide it under a basket no matter how much I want to at times.

I at least know how to appear confident when necessary

My Guru threw up a quote today saying 'you are allowed to be a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously' and I resonate with that on such a deep level! That oxymoronic statement reveals a reality of life that we don't allow at times. We can still learn something new in an area that we feel we have already mastered. We can work on progressing an area that appears to be a masterpiece to others. We can excel in one area of our lives, yet need work in another area of our lives. This does not make you a failure, it just makes you human. This reality is what keeps me humble because in all of my knowing, I still don't know sometimes and I am always going to be growing, learning and at times failing throughout this journey called life. I don't have to shy away when I win or shy away because I fear failing. I can do both on the same platform in this one life given to me.

Chantal x

Death

Death has a profound way of shaking us in our realities and reminding us of our fragile natures and how life is a precious gift from God. When people close to us die we begin the process of grieving where we pass through the stages of denial, anger, depression, bargaining and then acceptance. Though not as neatly as presented and with some variation, this can be life changing in a permanent way.

reminding us of our fragile natures and how life is a precious gift from God

In my childhood I didn't really have to deal with the death of anyone close to me. Other than a uncle type family member, and then my grandparents years later, death was not prevalent for me as a child thank God. I did think about it sometimes and I remember consciously being scared of losing my mum but then somehow letting that fear go! The first significant death I would say was my uncle in Jamaica in 2010 when I was 20 years old. I was out there on holiday and he was murdered. The story is long-winded and I don't want to go into it but I remember driving back from Kingston to Portland which is a few hours drive and secretly crying in the back of the car because I really didn't want it to be true. I actually went to see him in the morgue with my mum and cousins. And I think I was most sad at how final things were. There would be no more opportunities for memories to be created, for his life to be lived and it was prematurely brought to an end (due to it not being a natural death).

secretly crying in the back of the car because I really didn't want it to be true

The next significant death would have to be my auntie who died in 2016. Her death was unexpected and one that I was not prepared for. It occurred during my time as a postgraduate student in mental health nursing and I remember getting the phone call saying I should make my way to my cousins house because it looked like she was going to die. And then getting a text moments later saying she had passed. I bawled my eyes out on the way there, I bawled my eyes out when I saw her on the ground in the middle of the living room and I bawled my eyes out when we all had to say our final goodbyes to her. She was so loved by us that so many of us turned up that night just to say goodbye and the paramedics were even moved to tears. The very next day I had to go to my placement in a private hospital for the practical part of the course. I didn't want to reschedule it because I knew I wouldn't go. I was already depressed with the course so postponing going in would not have helped. Ironically at my placement there was a lady who was born in the same year as my auntie who had just died and she had many complaints about her circumstance and situation and lived so timidly, and at the other end of the spectrum to my vibrant, outgoing, ready to live auntie. I was slightly angry with her because it felt unfair in that moment and she seemed to me to be choosing to fall under the weight of her issues that compared so trivially to that which my auntie was dealing with. Rather than climb on top of them and just live she crumbled under it all! She reminded me of me. That's what I was angry with.

In July of this year my other auntie died. At the funeral in 2016 we all said we needed to travel up to Manchester to visit them because we hadn't seen them for years. And then what happened, life and postponing and everything that appears pointless now and I had to process my feelings of regret. I really hate that feeling of wanting to change what's happened but knowing that you can't. Wishing I made different decisions and commitments. My auntie used to visit and stay at our family house when we were younger and we used to give up our rooms and beds but they were still some of my favourite times. When we moved and kind of lost our way, we lost that experience and that connection with them, and now she's passed away (I will soon do a post explaining this era of my life more). 

I bawled my eyes out on the way there

The reason I call my auntie's death significant is because she had plans to travel; she was always living even with the illnesses she had. And here I was slowly dying inside everyday and for what? For who? I wasn't living my life at all. I was doing what I thought I was expected to do and I limited myself because of what I thought I couldn't do (these events occurred shortly before the life changing conversation I had with Guru which you can read about in my previous post I Quit to Win). I took control of my life again in a way I hadn't done before and I began to create a new story. Everyday I try to remember that my life is a precious gift and my waking up is another beautiful opportunity to do good, to be grateful and to honour those who have passed with a life fully lived, today. Right now is the only moment that is guaranteed.

Everyday I try to remember that my life is a precious gift 

I hope that if you are dealing with the loss of a loved one that you will be comforted and strengthened. I hope that your memories of the ones you love will encourage you to live, to grow and to love fully everyone and everything you're given. I hope you will be able to begin to see the next stage of your life to perform on and share yourself with those around you. Surround yourself with your loved ones because isolation can be a desolate place to be.

Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences about any of the topics discussed in the comments below.

Chantal x

Now I feed my soul

Image from Sassy Girl Fit

My mornings consist of meditation, prayer and binging on motivational quotes and affirmations. It's my way of dispelling the worries and doubts and replacing them with faith, belief and positive expectation.

Starting this chapter of my life was tricky because I was wearing so many hats and trying to fulfil so many roles and obligations. I wore the hat of daughter & sister; dealing with family issues and contending with old wounds that never really seemed to heal as we all attempted to gloss over the truth and ignore the remnants of previous problems - when the truth had to be told we all picked a side (I'll do a post on that later!). I wore the hat of girlfriend - entering into a relationship with someone my soul just clicked with and not on a superficial level but on that plane where we both knew there was something different going on here like it was just meant to be, but also dealing with the fact that we both didn't want to find ourselves in a relationship at this point in our lives! I wore the hat of college dropout! I'm playing! I wore the hat of business-woman; working on building myself and knowledge of business to be effective and start and run my own company - also doing it with my partner so mixing hats! That aspect alone was hard to deal with! And then I wore the hat of friend - this hat I will have to say got the most neglect. The old me that was down for everything and everyone was tired and wanted a new, fresh start in something stable and secure. I was overwhelmed with my desire to fix existing problems and build the new in my life and I had to declare playtime over for myself. It definitely caused some rifts, even to this day, but in the end I had to choose what was best for me (as they all chose what was best for them) because after awhile you can't be begging for friendship - if its not reciprocated anymore you just gotta let it go...

The struggle of the complexities of life left me feeling weak to the point of dry cries (this is the crying without tears! - go checkout my Uncle Sizzla's song 'Just One of Those Days - he's not actually my Uncle but he is my elder!). I saw how these situations were literally draining my soul, my energy and positive vibrations and I had to make some decisions about them. I had to let go of what doesn't feed my soul. If it stopped making me feel good, I had to stop moving with it. I am all for peace and understanding and I definitely believe that when there's misunderstanding and confusion an honest conversation can go a long way to clearing the air but that's only when everyone involved is on that same page. You know that feeling where something happens and you want to get that sense of closure, the understanding, the explanation from a person... well I had to get over the fact that sometimes I'm just not going to get that. Sometimes I won't know why, so can I learn to move on anyway? It's still a process, but I'm better at it now than I was before.

Learning to reflect is the greatest thing you can do for yourself. Work out what fuels you and what resides in your subconscious mind. Aristotle said 'knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom' and it is true. Knowing the insecurities that plague your mind and perception of yourself, empower you to deal with them and hopefully evict them! You can then replace them with beliefs about yourself that are true, that are empowering and that can help you to transform your life and current realities.

Feed your soul first thing in the morning, and throughout your day where possible, and not only will you feel good, your life will start to change around you for the better too. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams; give yourself internal and external goals. Once you can convince your mind of a thing, you can manifest it in your real world.

Chantal x

I can't wait 'til I'm 40!

I first said this out loud in the midst of my colleagues when I was 24 years old and probably the youngest member of staff in my department! Needless to say they looked at me as if I was crazy and were probably a little pissed! What on earth possessed me to wish away my youthful years. Nothing! I wasn't wishing them away but I am a visionary and I looked ahead to that point with positive expectation and I knew within myself that by time I reach 40 much of the labouring of building my life would be done! My hopes were that by then I would be financially healthy, I would be a mum and hopefully married. Not that this stage wouldn't come with its own challenges but my 20s was the era of so many decisions to make and confusion on what direction to go in life.

Someone said 40 is the new 30, and whilst we can easily argue and agree that that person may well be living in denial, I can see how that statement can be true for an honest individual. The idea that 30 is the flirty, confident, secure age of womanhood (if you're a woman that is!) I now see as dependent really on your own mentality and life choices. I have seen 30 year olds who have made some desperate and ghastly moves in their lives and I have seen some 20 year olds who have made some bold and mature moves. In the words and voice of Aaliyah 'age ain't nothing but a number'! The decisions we make, determine how much we enjoy the ages we become and the life that we ultimately live.

May our decisions be wise and when we make a mistake, may we humbly change course and get back to living a life of love, laughter and happiness. As far as we know, we only live once so why not make the very best of it.

I Quit to Win

In life we are taught that we should not quit, we should see things through to completion and we should not succumb to feelings of wanting to give up. And I would agree with these sentiments 100%. That being said, I quit my postgraduate diploma in mental health nursing in 2016!

In 2015 I decided to study a postgraduate diploma to become a mental health nurse. Studying behaviour and mental health has always been of interest to me. I love those psychological crime drama programmes and I enjoy motivational style seminars so because I like helping people I settled on the career of child psychotherapist when I was in high school many years earlier. To get into this particular career more studying was required and it is generally a second career due to how much it costs just to train (this is mainly why I chose to go down the route of mental health nursing). After completing my first degree in Psychosocial Studies, I was working as a teaching assistant and felt I needed to complete another degree to work my way up the 'career ladder'. There was this desire I had to do more, be more and have more so back to school I went.

there was this desire that I had to do more, be more and have more

Whilst on this degree I met lovely people yet found myself unhappy with the way I was living. The choices I was making - how I had found myself going through the motions of existing but no longer living with any sense of true autonomy over my own life. Quick Side note:  I'd just like to add nurses are completely underrated and go without sufficient recognition for how they sacrifice their lives for the sake of their jobs and the well-being of their patients. So I salute you and thank you for your services. As I mentioned earlier I met amazing people but one in particular who I call my Guru, spearheaded the attack on my current way of living or simply existing, to me freeing myself from the control of fear, doubt and worry which ultimately led me to a courageous point in my life where I would either keep following the norm or the old way in which things are done or take a leap of faith and pursue a life under my own terms and conditions that is fulfilling to me! I had chosen a box long ago that I thought I had to fit into because I was under the illusion that you just need to find a job in life and that's it (I chose child psychotherapist). Whenever I had that niggle of discomfort with my life I thought I needed to pursue filling that box not realising what I needed to do was reflect and work out what my truest desires really were...

By chance I met with Guru

The day began, I was heading to my class with looming dread over my head - bills, daily expenditures and I had recently had a car accident so dealing with insurance was stressful. The conversation myself and Guru were having sounded like a Think and Grow Rich Seminar, as we discussed a definiteness of purpose and our truest desires. She mentioned she didn't feel like she was living in her God-given purpose and honestly that one conversation was the lightbulb moment where I realised, neither was I! I had been duped like many others into following a path rather than carving out my own. Walking almost blindly in my own my story and the scary thing was I didn't actually realise it! We had let ideas of others influence how we saw ourselves and how we built our lives. I went home that day and I searched within myself to find my truth. Who did I want to be? How did I want to live? What really makes me happy? How can I become the person I need to be to achieve my goals?

I had been duped like many others into following a path rather than carving out my own

Two month later I had a business idea, backing from my partner to pursue it and a new relationship with fear & faith that I hadn't experienced before in my life. And in the moment where I decided to jump ship and swim in this new arena, I knew that I wouldn't regret this decision even if I failed because there is no other way to really live, than to be true to yourself.

From therapy to hair!

So I came up with this idea of building an online hair store. Honestly, I love the idea of transforming yourself to present a different side of who you are by simply changing your hairstyles. It might just be me, but I know a different look says different things about me and presents a different aspect of my character, be it serious or playful. The versatility we have with our hair, is one that I adore and it is why I chose to get into this industry (as saturated as it is)! I began it with great vision and it has been the hardest, most rewarding and at times depleting journey I have embarked on. I have been disappointed in myself at times with how it has turned out, but I am also so hopeful because of the many ideas that are constantly revealed. The room to grow is so vast and refreshing that it keeps me excited about the project. Role Mode is my first business baby and I can admit I have caught the business bug! On this blog you will see a shop link at the top of the page which is to the Role Mode store, and our Role Mode Instagram account is also attached to this blog.

I have learnt so much about business, about hair and about myself that I would not have learnt had I not taken the leap of faith. I have met some amazing people who have inspired my journey and business ideas. My Guru is still encouraging me, supporting me and keeping me focused on what is ahead and not what is now or what once was. Though I have not achieved and completed all  the goals I have listed for the business and myself, I am not disheartened or dismayed because it is only the beginning and the necessary occurrence that will ultimately teach me, mould and shape my character and guide me to the next level version of myself. Starting and growing a business is not easy!

I love the idea of transforming yourself to present a different side of yourself with changing hairstyles

Advice from a former fear-driven victim

Now I am walking consciously aware of the influence of fear and doubt and I now use fear as it was intended. A quick google search of 'what is the purpose of fear' told me that fear is to motivate us to act usually in avoidance. It is a factor in that flight or fight response we all have and from a point of fear we form our decisions especially when a lot is at stake. The Susan Jeffers book titled 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway' is true to live by. 'Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear'. My advice to anyone asking would be:

1. When making any decision about your life (big or small) make it with your whole heart. Don't go half-heartedly into it because you may fail, not because it was a bad idea, but because you were not committed to the decision you made
2. Every victory and every failure is a learning curve and if used correctly can propel you to your next level
3. Never compare yourself with another. Your life is unique to you and therefore can't be compared to anyone or anything. There is no marker for where you should be or how you should be (not including what we call common sense and general curtesy!). Don't stunt your own growth by watching where others have found themselves. Be inspired by them and keep it moving! 

Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear

Every step we take in life is generally made with the hopes and desires of improving our lives. We expect to be wiser, happier and more fulfilled on the other side of our decisions. I now see every twist and turn of my life as valuable lessons for the next stage I encounter. That doesn't mean that just because I understand it, it doesn't frustrate or hurt any less! For me, life is at times a puzzle and as different pieces are revealed the bigger picture starts to make sense. Find the ones that encourage and motivate you to keep going because the journey can be frustrating and lonely. Find the good things that feed your soul and keep hold of it. Don't give up hope.

OK I'm done...for now! I will have another post ready for you to read soon, so in the meantime comment, share and enjoy! 

Chantal x