Death

Death has a profound way of shaking us in our realities and reminding us of our fragile natures and how life is a precious gift from God. When people close to us die we begin the process of grieving where we pass through the stages of denial, anger, depression, bargaining and then acceptance. Though not as neatly as presented and with some variation, this can be life changing in a permanent way.

reminding us of our fragile natures and how life is a precious gift from God

In my childhood I didn't really have to deal with the death of anyone close to me. Other than a uncle type family member, and then my grandparents years later, death was not prevalent for me as a child thank God. I did think about it sometimes and I remember consciously being scared of losing my mum but then somehow letting that fear go! The first significant death I would say was my uncle in Jamaica in 2010 when I was 20 years old. I was out there on holiday and he was murdered. The story is long-winded and I don't want to go into it but I remember driving back from Kingston to Portland which is a few hours drive and secretly crying in the back of the car because I really didn't want it to be true. I actually went to see him in the morgue with my mum and cousins. And I think I was most sad at how final things were. There would be no more opportunities for memories to be created, for his life to be lived and it was prematurely brought to an end (due to it not being a natural death).

secretly crying in the back of the car because I really didn't want it to be true

The next significant death would have to be my auntie who died in 2016. Her death was unexpected and one that I was not prepared for. It occurred during my time as a postgraduate student in mental health nursing and I remember getting the phone call saying I should make my way to my cousins house because it looked like she was going to die. And then getting a text moments later saying she had passed. I bawled my eyes out on the way there, I bawled my eyes out when I saw her on the ground in the middle of the living room and I bawled my eyes out when we all had to say our final goodbyes to her. She was so loved by us that so many of us turned up that night just to say goodbye and the paramedics were even moved to tears. The very next day I had to go to my placement in a private hospital for the practical part of the course. I didn't want to reschedule it because I knew I wouldn't go. I was already depressed with the course so postponing going in would not have helped. Ironically at my placement there was a lady who was born in the same year as my auntie who had just died and she had many complaints about her circumstance and situation and lived so timidly, and at the other end of the spectrum to my vibrant, outgoing, ready to live auntie. I was slightly angry with her because it felt unfair in that moment and she seemed to me to be choosing to fall under the weight of her issues that compared so trivially to that which my auntie was dealing with. Rather than climb on top of them and just live she crumbled under it all! She reminded me of me. That's what I was angry with.

In July of this year my other auntie died. At the funeral in 2016 we all said we needed to travel up to Manchester to visit them because we hadn't seen them for years. And then what happened, life and postponing and everything that appears pointless now and I had to process my feelings of regret. I really hate that feeling of wanting to change what's happened but knowing that you can't. Wishing I made different decisions and commitments. My auntie used to visit and stay at our family house when we were younger and we used to give up our rooms and beds but they were still some of my favourite times. When we moved and kind of lost our way, we lost that experience and that connection with them, and now she's passed away (I will soon do a post explaining this era of my life more). 

I bawled my eyes out on the way there

The reason I call my auntie's death significant is because she had plans to travel; she was always living even with the illnesses she had. And here I was slowly dying inside everyday and for what? For who? I wasn't living my life at all. I was doing what I thought I was expected to do and I limited myself because of what I thought I couldn't do (these events occurred shortly before the life changing conversation I had with Guru which you can read about in my previous post I Quit to Win). I took control of my life again in a way I hadn't done before and I began to create a new story. Everyday I try to remember that my life is a precious gift and my waking up is another beautiful opportunity to do good, to be grateful and to honour those who have passed with a life fully lived, today. Right now is the only moment that is guaranteed.

Everyday I try to remember that my life is a precious gift 

I hope that if you are dealing with the loss of a loved one that you will be comforted and strengthened. I hope that your memories of the ones you love will encourage you to live, to grow and to love fully everyone and everything you're given. I hope you will be able to begin to see the next stage of your life to perform on and share yourself with those around you. Surround yourself with your loved ones because isolation can be a desolate place to be.

Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences about any of the topics discussed in the comments below.

Chantal x